Part IV: "Took You Long Enough"

Hi,

Often times, in order for us to understand where we are and where we're headed, it's important to know how we got here. You, if memory serves us correctly, will also remember this night as the moment that sparked an unbelievable, unexpected, and indescribable journey that cannot and will not ever be repeated, nor can it be written or scripted with any additional zest or titillation. That, and the fact that both of us will never be intertwined in a beauty pageant, ever again.

Back in the box where I lived, or as my coworkers affectionately coined, my rathole of an apartment, my clothes were neatly placed on my espresso-colored wooden futon. Jeans, check. Jacket, check. Listerine citrus dissolving strips, check. (You had gone through my entire pack the night you were inebriated.) Digital camera, check. Time to bring out the best, lucky underwear, I thought to myself. "The tighty whities", I mumbled. (When I'm alone, I talk to myself on occasion.) Nothing would be left to chance. I looked in the mirror, gave myself a quick pep talk, and boom, hit the front door.

Back at the bar, "The Cellar", it was dress rehearsal. "No, like this!", quipped Jennifer. She brushed her hand slowly and deliberately across the back of my neck. A slight tingle. Nice. I had done this hundreds of times. What am I doing? I don't need practice - perhaps I was merely out of practice.

"You know what? I'm ready to go and I don't need any coaching or practice. I'm just going to walk up to her and do it. Not only that, but I hope everyone is standing in the hallway watching me show this asshole up. I don't give a fuck!" Show time. Enter stage right.

I remember clearly being extremely nervous and apprehensive about the whole situation. Sneaking into a hotel isn't exactly a forte of mine, neither is the brazen attitude I had recently embraced. This was the new me - the swing for the fences, I don't care what anyone thinks about me, regret nothing, reborn and rewired, Jason. Or as you would refer to me - Shady. Shady was a persona created by you and was perpetuated by your insinuations of assumed sketchiness and random conversations about my mysteriously private life. I was merely hanging on to the rails for the ride. I won't lie. I enjoyed it and relished in my new found bravado.

As I took the elevator up to the 18th floor and waited for a few moments, while staring straight into the security cameras, mounted on each floor of the Hilton, my heart was beating as quickly as I could last remember. I chuckled to myself, thinking, "I'm going to get in trouble. Hell yeah!" We exchanged a few text messages. Well, mostly from you being anxious and probably bored out of your mind in that room with that wretched pageant roommate of yours.

11:04pm Call me when ure here
11:27pm Whats takin so long
11:43pm I'm on 18

I heard the door opening and saw you wearing your beige, inner-lining, fleece from your blue Columbia jacket - the one you always wore and were so passionately attached to. We had finally found each other on the 18th floor, and the outdoor balcony was to be our sanctuary of freedom from the likes of the eagerly strict and overzealous pageant head escort, Dillon aka Babsy. Luckily, one of us, notably I, was thinking clearly, and refuted your suggestion of sneaking into your room, while Babsy was 10 feet away from your room entrance, sitting in plain sight, as I poked my head out from the end of the 19th floor hallway. What was I to do, sneak into your room and hide in the bathroom, while your roommate was humming that God-awful Brazilian song of hers for the 67th time? One of us had to be thinking coherently that night.

Knowing my impeccable memory of conversations and random trivia, I have to admit that I don't recall all that we talked about that night out on the balcony. I remember it being cold and I had my velvet-lappeled blazer on. We could see the thick fog rolling over the Transamerica pyramid from our unique view. You were grabbing onto my arm, interlocked, in our attempt to stay warm and coherent. We talked about the lameness of our adventures in the pageant and the mumblings of "us" from everyone else, especially with regards to your drunken incident two nights ago. However demure and prudish we thought the whole pageant was, it did provide the gossip and drama that entertained and sustained our conversation that night. We were interrupted a few times from Katie calling you, wondering what we were doing.

As we were approaching our goodbye, I thought to myself, "This is going to be the last night I ever see her again". My incessant scheming had brought about this movie-like thought of an arrogant plan to walk up to you and kiss you in front of Babs, for the whole floor to see, return your camera, which by the way, was the key item in our adventure. Obviously plans don't always work out accordingly, so I had to go to plan B. The only problem was plan B didn't exist.

I stood there in the stairwell, looking at your sweet, angel face, which always seemed to have a bit of a smirk. There was always an unassuming grace about you. You looked at me and said, "Well, this is goodbye." and proceeded to give me a hug. I did not reciprocate, but merely held my hand out for a high-five. There you were, both arms around my neck, hugging me sincerely, and I have my hands to my side, with my head turned, shaking back and forth, as if to tell you that we were not going to end this right here, not now. I don't know what inspired this reaction from me or how this high-five notion was derived, but it seemed to flow perfectly in creating the sparks and anticipation I knew were to come in the next few seconds.

You looked back at me with a bit of disdain. "You're not even going to hug me goodbye!"

I responded, "Goodbyes are sad and I'm very bad at them." No one is a "goodbye expert".

Your cell phone rang, Dillon was looking for you. You picked up and told him you were outside, at the balcony, talking to your mom. You spoke to him while staring at me with the face of concern, mixed in with mischief, not letting me know what face you made when you fibbed. Once you hung up, I knew the moment of truth had arrived. With incredible amounts of nervousness, I could feel my heart beating outside of my chest, while my breath rate increased drastically. I had kissed girls before, but this feeling of trepidation was novel. This was special.

With your glowing stare, you voiced, "Ok, last chance. I gotta go."

To what felt like a run or a brisk walk towards you, I rushed over. I parted your hair from the left side of your face and reached for the side of your neck, while my right hand caressed your cheeks. I could feel the thumb of my right hand touching your ear, holding you steady, but not too tight. Looking directly at you, I saw your eyes close as my head leaned to the right, signaling my eyes to close as well. I gently licked my lips to moisten them. Mmmmmm. I was Bermuda triangled in the moment (See, contrary to your recurring comments, I, for once, did not ruin the moment).

My thoughts were scattered. I could only manage short sentences and thoughts in my head. They were coherent, but felt like a game of pong, with the dot being my thoughts, bouncing at different angles to and fro, back and forth. You smelled so good. Your cheeks sparkled from the eye shadow that you used. The glitter spread onto your face. It was my favorite. I noticed the bump on your nose. I thought of it as a unique mark of yours. I couldn't help but stare at it. I was oddly attracted to it. Mainly because it was part of you.

It was nearly ten days of staring at your lips, wondering how soft and supple they would feel against mine. The buildup and anticipation to this moment was monumental, at least in my eyes. At that moment, all thoughts escaped my mind. Sweet and utter bliss are the words to describe our kiss. We stood there for what felt like 30 seconds, our lips melting together. I could feel your body pressed against mine as we continued our goodbye kiss.

"Now that was better than a hug, huh?" were the next words that came out of me.

"Took you long enough!" were yours.

The next few text messages from you were telling and quite demonstrative of your bluntness (these are exactly as they appeared on my cell phone).

1:12am - Ill come out later
1:18am - Took you long enough
2:26am - Of course i am, can't tell if theyre still out there. Sam man is showerin
2:38am - Ill tough it out a bit longer in case.
2:39am - Shit theyre still up!
2:42am - I know! So trapped
2:56am - Did u fall asleep buddy
3:02am - Sketchball. So lucky ure free
3:03am - Ure gfriends, all 2 of them
3:05am - Ugh fuckers r still up


The Beginning.

I had no premonition our beginning would lead to what was to become, "us". However short-lived we were, I feel it was the most amazing summer of my life. I'm not sure if you will ever read this blog or if you ever need to. Our lives are now divergent from one another and my musings here are merely to remind me of the incredible moments. Maybe when we're old and gray, we will look back to this moment and it will, at the very least, bring us both a simple smile.

This is goodbye,
Shady.

Part III: The Cup Runneth Over

Hi,

Do I regret anything from our whirlwind of a summer? The answer is clear and definite - no, not one thing. My mind, as you know, was unusually spastic and unfocused, with thoughts jumping around like a pinball in my head, on that tragic Friday night. Definitely ranked up there with one of the worst nights I've ever experienced, emotionally and mentally speaking. I kept thinking, why did I voice my distaste in your lack of calls to me during your first weekend of your career in medicine. You see, I realize now that it is not simply medical school, but it's your career and your livelihood for the rest of your life. It began on August 17th and that was the end of us.

I remember that night, making you cry. I felt like shit. But then I remembered how I felt the previous two days, not knowing where you were, how you were doing, lacking the emotional and mental connection two people in a long distance relationship desperately require and need. Was I being a needy chic? Perhaps. More importantly, I knew the ingredients to make the dish. We didn't have the ingredients, simple as that. Do I feel bad about making you cry? Yes and no.

Approximately one month ago, the glass fell off it's table, and milk was running and dripping slowly onto the floor. Crying over it wouldn't have restored the contents, so, one month later, I reach for a towel and clean up this mess created by an inadvertent elbow of mine.

Good night,
Sh.

Part II: Gross Anatomy of a Breakup

Hi,

As you figure out where the subscapularis is and how it functions in a human body, I have to ponder if that is as important as the degree to which it matters knowing this knowledge. You and I are inherently different in many ways and our approach to our lives. Balance is my constant target, while diligence and accomplishment in your goals is undeterred, regardless of any obstacle in your path - especially one that may cause you great emotional or mental crisis.

The irony of it all is that the work, which you so assiduously pursue, is the basis for my admiration for you. Psychologists have oft opined that we seek out what we are lacking. Discipline and perseverance have never been strengths of mine. To sit down and plan goals to complete, while working tirelessly is a novel and foreign act in my book. Seeing you with your head down, completely consumed in a book full of bones and muscle, without regard to the cat scratching your couch, me writing you a letter and hiding it in your closet, or even the constant glances I tossed in your direction, has ingrained an image of ernestness that has set you apart from any other, as well as planted the seeds and anchored roots of my motivation to succeed in my venture.

I thank you for that.

Good night,
Sh.

Part I: Anticipation is of Utmost Importance

Hello,

Knowing the result of an outcome before it actually occurs can invoke either the peace-of-mind, safety net, feeling, or the I'm-so-bored-when-it's-preditable feeling. I'd like to think, knowing your free-spirit personality, along with the general stereotype of young women of your generation, the latter is preferred. I would tend to agree with that choice, given my "horrendous" track record. This describes much of our summer. The seemingly random and lengthy conversations, whether about the number of cats one of us will own or the number of dates I would embark by the time the year ended, were exciting, as if walking through a door without any knowledge of what's behind it. That ended when we became "a couple".

You spoke of the warm feeling, knowing that my hand would be there everytime you reached for it, yet it could never be there the same way when we're 2,351 miles apart. I was overly confident in my abilities to conquer all the impossible obstacles we faced. Learning lessons from my mistakes is an act that I welcome with open arms, but this particular lesson has been painful and brings about feelings that are utterly foreign to my heart.

Good night,
Sh.

Lines on pieces of paper

Hi Fiona,

How are you doing? I spent the day looking at apartments in the east bay. No luck - they're all expensive enough for me to stay in the SF. I want to get a live/work loft near the ballpark, although a bit farther would still be sufficient.

Jennifer hung out with me while I went to look. It was an uneventful day, except for the few minutes we were in the bookstore. That is my comfort zone now, the bookstore. I feel addicted to reading and learning, along with rereading some of the classics that I never had the chance or discipline to read. Do you know they have audio books for tons of novels now? I've never heard one, but I wonder how it would be compared to listening to a movie. Reading them on my own would be the preferred method. Wonder if my eyes will ever go tired or blind starring a screen all day, then starring at a lines on white paper?

Good night,
Sh.

The Melting Pot

Hi,

So guess where I went for dinner last night? Brent was making fun of me, reminding me how the dinner wasn't exactly the best memory, but I remember that night really well. It was a good time, though awkward, I enjoyed the dinner, but more importantly, the time spent with you.

I finally met Dr. Chao, the San Diego Chargers team doctor. We had a good time at dinner - the wine helped. I was expecting him to be smaller, but he's about 6'1", 200 lbs, at least. We were talking about you and how the initial impact of med school freaked you out. I didn't want to dwell on it too much, as you know I've already thought about it to death.

Good night,
Sh.

OAK to BNA

Hi,

I just picked up my sister and Pascal from the Oakland airport. Everytime I go there, it's a weird feeling, especially waiting for the baggage. I keep thinking how it would be if I were going to Nashville every few weeks. I try not to think of it, but you know me, can't control what I'm thinking - it just happens.

It's nice to be home and chill out and read so often.

Good night,
Sh.

I feel old

Hi,

After sleeping for only 4 hours and having a full day of work, I'm drained. I tried to go workout, but could only manage a mile run. I had two Americano's today, which made me all jittery, but did I ever need them. I was falling asleep at my desk.

On the fund part, I got the package to start our company and it's getting closer to coming together. I'm excited about it and wish I could talk to you about it. I don't feel I can share it with too many people, they just wouldn't understand.

Hope you're doing well.

Good night,
Sh.

That kid from the pag, James

Hi,

It's 5 minutes till midnight and I can't believe I just got back from drinking and hanging out with James. We hadn't seen each other in 6 months and it was an awesome time catching up. Obviously, I told him about you staying with me, but we didn't go into too much detail. He's busy doing stories all over the place. I think he will be my new hangout buddy. We have lots in common and think similarly about our outlook on life.

Good night,
Sh.

Korean

Hi,

How are you doing? I am so tired, with a really rough day of work. These last two weeks have been so tough. I've haven't been able to guage the markets correctly.

I just got back from a Korean class, with intent of learning enough to go back and, perhaps, living in Korea. I was going to workout today, but I was so lazy and sleepy. Maybe it's the lack of caffeine. How can I be addicted to that? Sometimes, not having any self-control can be so liberating, if you know what I mean. ;)

Good night,
Sh.

The start of another week

Hi,

Today was a good day. Gekko and I are getting better and better as we are setting up for our little fund. We have big dreams and ambitions. I'll tell you more about it as it progresses.

Border's was another destination with my motorcycle, which I haven't ridden in a week. I only stayed for 45 minutes today, but read a few chapters of this hedge fund book I've been reading, which, not sure if I told you already, is $100. Ridiculous!

Good night,
Sh.

HQ: Border's

Hi,

Another weekend gone, albeit lots was accomplished on my part. I read through a third of a hedge fund book, which talked about creating and managing one. I also read through a quarter of another trading book. I have so much more to learn about in regards to my craft.

Border's is my new hangout place. I don't have much of any excitement to report, which is a big difference than this past summer, as you know very well. Life isn't about those times though. It's about the day in and day out grind of work, mixed in with a balance of play.

You may think that the way I live my life was depicted when you were living with me in SF and all the trips we took this summer. Quite the contrary, my life is now mostly work and very little play.

I hope you didn't eat any packaged spinach. :)

Good night,
Sh.

I was Carrie Bradshaw today

Hi,

Four hours of reading today at Border's can really tire someone out. And surely I am, particularly my eyes. In between, I went to Ryan's 1st bday party. To remind you, Ryan is Raymond and Risni's son. What a fiasco and shinding this was! Kids everywhere.

Remember that episode where Carrie goes to someone's party and she feels completely out of place. That was me today.

I still think about moving to another city, but for now, I'm fairly sure I'm going to move back out to the city again. I can't take much more of living at home. Even if I had a shitty rathole of a place, at least it'd be my own.

Good night,
Sh.

E.coli

Hi,

What a crazy and busy week! How was your week? I just got back from Border's, spending a few hours on this book on how to start and run a hedge fund. It's pretty daunting, especially since none of us have any experience. We do have lots of market experience and I'm a fairly good manager, but that doesn't automatically translate into success. I'm apprehensive about this fund as it will determine whether I can quit in March. As you can see, my decision to quit in March doesn't exactly coincide with you, as you may have thought. I'm really looking forward to the day I can quit and work for myself, using my own abilities and experience to make it.

I thought of you today, when I saw on TV the E.coli outbreak from the prepackaged organic spinach. I sent you an email just because it's something I can see you having in your refrigerator, though I'm sure you're fine.

Good night,
Sh.

Bushi-tei

Hi Bunny,

How are you doing? I just came home from an awesome dinner with Gekko. The restaurant was pretty empty; Bushi-tei was the name of the place. It reminded me of the Vegas dinner we had with Rony and Mae. It was that good. I had tuna tartare and kobe beef. Gekko's been giving me ideas for the market and I've been talking to him about it everyday, so I like to treat him, to show him I appreciate it.

Work has been getting rough, only because I don't want to be there anymore. I made a really dumb mistake in my account today, lost a couple thousand. I let my emotions get the best of me.

I sold my ipod on ebay - can't believe someone paid me $185 for that thing. I went and bought the 2GB nano.

Good night,
Sh.

Double espresso macchiatto

Hi Fiona,

That's what I tried today at Starbuck's. I couldn't stay awake at all, so I had to take the plunge. I've figured out a way to save money. Instead of going cold turkey and cutting it all off, I'm just cutting it down in half. So I'll bring lunch 2 or 3 days a week and only go to Starbuck's or Peet's 2 times a week. Seems to be working. Eventually, I'll cut it down to once a week and then I can live with that.

Danny and Bonnie came with me to look at a condo today. It's right next to H&M and they're similar to yours, except they're asking $800k to $950k for them. I mean, location-wise, it's very nice, but seriously, why would you ever spend that much unless you just had cash to waste. Even then, would you really want to spend it on a place where there was no parking?

Good night,
Sh.

Weird weather

Hi,

You expect it to be shitty weather and you're thinking that it's going to be freezing, but somehow SF always surprises you. It was really hot today, well 80, which is hot, considering it's been in the 60s the last few weeks. Sunny days always remind me of our incredible summer.

I've been working really hard at this fund we're starting. I wish I could share it with you, but alas, it's not to be.

Good night,
Sh.

9/11

Hi,

Do you remember what you were doing five years ago? I was awake, watching the market and suddenly I saw a whole lot of selling on the screen. This was before the markets even opened. I turned on the TV and saw that one of the towers were on fire. I picked up the phone, called Gekko, and we watched together when I saw another plane head right into the second tower. I remember not being able to do anything that day except watch TV the whole day, in absolute shock.

I'm thinking you're studying for your anatomy exam, which will be the worst. I hope you're doing well. Just so you know, I don't worry about you anymore - I know you're capable of doing that on your own.

Good night,
Sh.

Black eye and finally out

Hi Fiona,

We sailed for a second day and tried to travel outside the confines of the safe treasure island cove, meaning we went out pretty far. We capsized again and I couldn't get back on. It was a weird feeling, fairly scary, to be in the middle of the bay, almost like being shipwrecked. The water was incredibly cold and as they were trying to get me back on the boat, the instructor's boat knocked me right in the eye and now I have a black. Luckily, it missed my pupil.

I drove back to my apartment and handed the keys, after wiping down everything. Who knew I would have so much dust and dirt. I'm happy to leave the apartment. Eventually, perhaps in six months, I'll be back out in the city again and this time, I'll get a 2 br place so that I have an office also. Hope you're doing well. Going to Trader Joe's for some groceries.

Good night,
Sh.

Dinghy

Hi,

I can't believe I survived the cold, wet conditions of the bay today. Finally, something I've always wanted to try, sailing, was within my grasp. There were four of us, along with one instructor, who showed us how to set up a sail, make all the appropriate ties and knots along the "mast" and show us how to turn and steer the boat. We also had a capsize test, where we jumped into the salty waters of the bay and flip the boat right side up. I did that five times today. Five. What they say is true, even without the sun being visible, sunburn can occur, and I definitely got darker after today's activities. More tomorrow.

Good night,
Sh.

Bad things happen to good people

Hi Fiona,

I know you did well on your first biochem test today. Somehow, I remembered that today was your first big test. I know I'm not in your life anymore, but I still want you to do well.

On a sad note, I spoke with Rony today, told him about everything that happened between us. He was pretty mature and comforting about it. For such a long time, I had always been the mature and responsible one. Can you imagine that? He then went on to tell me that Mae was diagnosed with breast cancer. It shocked me. She's only 26 or 27. He told me it was really tough on her when she first found out, but time has improved her spirits. We, men, could never empathize the feelings and emotions involved with breast cancer, but at least Rony is there for her as support. She'll be going through chemo, surgery, then radiation.

Enough bad news, I'm going sailing tomorrow. Pretty excited about it.

Night,
Sh.

The Hardest Part

Hi,

I was listening to the songlist that was on my iTunes and came across a song that's so appropriate for me right now.

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh and I Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it's just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it’s the part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part

Good night,
Sh.

Trader Joe's

Hi Fiona,

Can't believe there are so many places that remind me of you. I went to Trader Joe's today and parked right against the fence. It reminded me of the time we tried to walk from Costco to Trader Joe's and we had to turn around once we ran into that dead end.

The checkout guy was really nice and said that I had the exact same groceries he did. I replied that it's easy for a single guy who doesn't cook. I'm starting to bring food to work to save some money.

On the work front, we're pretty much set for our venture and I'm excited. I'm going to work so hard to make this work. If I fail, it won't be because I didn't work my ass off to make it succeed.

Good night,
Sh.

Back to work

Hey Fiona,

I wonder how long it will take for you to call me, or whether you even will call me again. I've thought that a few times over the weekend, but that thinking stops now. I have set all of my goals for the next few months and I'm looking forward to carrying them out. My mind is in a really good place right now, relative to where it was when I was in Nashville. It doesn't mean I don't miss you. On the contrary, I miss you so much, yet I know this is the right thing for both of us.

Work was tough today, so tired of working for someone who doesn't have morals or isn't even a good person. When I took this job, it was for more money and better opportunity. It has served it's purpose - I did meet Brent and we are going to really go for it now. I honestly think we're going to succeed at our little operation. Wish me luck.

Good night,
Sh.

Glad to be home

Hi Fiona,

I'm finally glad to be home, only because I've been dying to start writing my book. It's going to be a fictional novel, based loosely (well some parts will be exact) on our incredible summer. It's my form of therapy. I know that sometimes, you seeing me do things, it may seem as though I'm lazy, but what I really want in life, is not recognition in my work, but I want a balanced life where my work and family and relationships are all going well. And if work sacrifices my family and relationships, then my work is not as important to me. It sounds very hippy-like, but that's who I am.

I know you are doing so well with your studying. It's not as though you've told me and we haven't spoken to each other in over a week, but perhaps it's the best way for both of us to move on.

Good night,
Sh.

Memories revisted

Hi Fiona,

Calling you several times and not being able to reach you has been a huge adjustment for me. Being put in the category as someone who is not as special as they once were is somewhat rejecting, but I understand now. And I'm finally at the point of acceptance. It may have taken me longer to do so, but I'm happy now.

Going to Vegas and then San Diego is difficult. I'm in my sister's den, where we slept on the underinflated air mattress and where we had incredible sex after watching Russell Peters. When I first saw the air mattress, there was a bit of melancholy and sadness I felt. Who knew all these things would make me feel this way?

I'm happy now because I had, what I considered to be, the most incredible, amazing, whirlwind of a summer, ever. We had so much romance and I couldn't help but stare at you with amazement, all the time. I hope you enjoyed it when you were looking away, that my eyes were still on you. I am only left with those memories in my mind, and everytime I think about it, a slight smile appears.

Sh.

H&M Bag

Hi Bunny,

It was a really cold and windy ride this morning on the motorcycle, especially, since some punk motorcyclist rode right into my lane. I was going 80-85, and saw someone coming out of the corner of my eye. Turns out it was a cop, telling me to slow down. I was lucky he didn't pull me over.

So I'm going to Vegas tomorrow to hang out with my sister. Not really looking forward to Vegas for the 4th time this year!

I saw a woman on the street today with the exact same white bag you bought at H&M, which made me think of you.

Good night,
Sh.

Vandy lost his butt

Hey Bunny,

How are you? I really wonder how you are doing.

I woke up this morning around 4AM, and I'm holding Vandy (if you haven't guessed, Vandy is the name of the bear you gave me to snuggle), but I noticed a ball in my other hand. Somehow, Vandy's butt or tail had fallen off. So now, left with an orange ball, the bear is without its tail. I had a dream about you last night. I want to say it's the first time I've ever dreamed of you in any way. We were here in SF, walking around, and everything was blurry. Then you were gone and I woke up. I can't recall any details, only the blurriness and vagueness of the dream.

My usual hairstylist offered to change it up a bit for me today, so I took a chance, and now I hate it. It's so short that it doesn't look like me at all. I'm thinking it'll take at least two weeks for me to feel normal again, but in the meantime, I'll be staring into the mirror at a stranger. Who is that guy?

Good night,
Sh.

New contact lens prescription

Hi Bunny,

Remember when I was fucked, swapping contact lenses and not knowing which pair were new or old. Being fairly sure that I was wearing the newer pair, I've made it this far, but a few more weeks and I should have my custom made lenses delivered. They cost $200, but that's pretty normal for made-to-order lenses. Apparently, I'm blinder than a bat and need "special" lenses. Or was it that my astigmatism is so severe, my eyes are like footballs, rather than baseballs?

Another day without calling or texting you. It's only been two days and it's been hard, but I can see that it'll get easier with time. Adjustment periods and change always takes a bit of time and chaos to go over smoothly. I still haven't heard from Brent yet - and if I don't, I may just go off to SD on my own and meet up with Pascal, or better yet, just hang at the beach by myself. I've always wanted to read all these books and this seems to be perfect opportunity to catch up.

How's your dead man, Herbert was my choice to name him. Can't believe you have a Walter, Fred, and Frank!!

G.night,
Sh.

Can't find my car. What else is new?

Hi Bunny,

How was your day today? Hope you are studying well. Mine was good. That presentation I had to give to one of the investors went really well. I was prepared and all the work I did on Saturday helped tremendously.

I went to the gym after work and had a decent workout, but as I walked out, looking for my car, I couldn't find it. I walked around for about 5 minutes, back and forth. I thought of you and all the times I couldn't find my car while I was with you, there were quite a few. :)

Talking o Brent, we may be going to SD or LV this weekend, since I need to use the tickets. I offered to pay for his, so I'm sure I'll use them by expiration. We might go down to watch the horse races.

Good night,
Sh.

A new beginning

Hi Bunny,

In my futile attempt to keep myself sane, I will write my thoughts and perhaps some of my "fabulous life" adventures here. You may or may not read this, but that's to be seen in the coming weeks and months, and hopefully, NOT years.

Let me start with this past weekend. I am completely crushed and in such a wreck. Never did I imagine myself being in this state. You know - nothing has changed between us, at least in my eyes. I know that deep down you still have strong feelings for me. The way we cope with our emotions is completely different, and being so close to you, yet not being able to hold you or kiss you was so painful that I couldn't take it one minute longer, which explains my abrupt decision to leave. How could things have changed so suddenly and so quickly? We mentioned that you have to do it this way or else you won't be able to study well. I'm sorry if I can't handle that, it breaks my heart.

Now that I'm home, on what seemed to be the longest journey, I feel a bit better. I've emotionally settled myself down and am ready to move forward. Just know that you are not merely a random girl that I had an amazing summer with, but you are truly special and amazing to me.

Sh.